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Students Keep Bugging Me About The Internet Outage.

This post is part of my Stupid RA series (you can view the last post here). It is mostly satirical and, while I won’t say it’s NOT a reflection of how I actually do my job, it’s probably just a faint one. This post is result of the internet being down all over campus last week.

The Question

Dear Tom,

The internet’s broken. When’s it gonna be fixed? WHEN’S IT GONNA BE FIXED???? FIX IT TOM!!!!!

Sincerely,

Whiny Residents

Crying

The Answer

Dear Whiny Residents,

I am very tempted to simply tell you all that goblins from Mars have somehow materialized on Earth and chewed through all the ethernet on campus. I believe this explanation would effectively stop the constant stream of internet outage-complaints I’m receiving, either because you’d believe me or because you’d conclude that I’m an asshole.

However, the truth isn’t so simple or obvious. In fact, I didn’t know the truth at all – so I had to go on an epic journey. And so, I trekked the 10,000 miles to the other side of campus in order to get one question answered:

“When’s the dayum Internet gonna be fixed?”

After walking barefoot uphill in six feet of snow for 11 hours, I stood in front of the mecca of all things computer-related: Durham Hall. As I entered the building’s hallowed halls, the computer gods therein directed my gaze to an ancient tablet, which held a sacred inscription:

“Thine Internet shall be restored within a period of time that will not be considered long.”

In search of clarity, I risked my life by asking the computer gods to further explain the tablet. After threatening to strike me with Odin’s lightening for my defiance, they took pity on me and offered some words of wisdom. It was revealed to me that, one fortnight ago, the campus did indeed run dry of IP address blocks. The current issue seems to be that the NetReg system is working slower than molasses going uphill in January – on crutches. “Fear not,” they said, “though the system is slow, normality shall be restored soon.”

With that they sent me away and commanded me to spread this divine revelation to all who seek the truth. That is all I can tell you for now.