You know, I learned something today: not all brands of roman candle are created equal. Also, not all directions in which you can point a roman candle are created equal either.

Want to know something else that isn’t created equal? Study spots. I touched on this topic in tip #11 of my recent college tips bonanza, but today I decided to go one step further. Accompanied by contributing writer Martin Boehme and my roommate Brandon, I traversed our campus and came up with a list of the best places to study. Here they are.

Your Car

In the car

Pros:

  • Drink holders
  • Good combination of temperature control and vitamin D absorption
  • Adjustable seats
Cons:
  • May get you arrested, depending on where you park (school, government facility, etc)
  • Operating vehicle while studying may result in broken arms, broken legs, broken everything, or death
  • Not too good for group projects (this doesn’t apply to surfer vans)

The Gym

At the gym

Pros:

  • Efficient use of time
  • Get your swole on (stationary bike > SQUATZ. Would I lie?)
  • Exercise makes your brain work better, keeps you healthy, and keeps you from needing to use your health insurance
  • “I can’t work out; I have to study” is no longer a valid excuse
Cons:
  • You may get distracted from looking at yourself in the mirror
  • Hard to do hang cleans while reading a biology textbook
  • Sweat dripping on rental textbooks = financial disappointment ahead

The Library (Public Space)

Library Public

Pros:

  • Close proximity to ALL THE RESOURCES
  • Widely accepted study environment
  • You can wear your Spongebob pajama pants and no one will care
  • Generally quiet
Cons:
  • Everyone uses it
  • Near test time, it’s not generally quiet
  • All the outlets are always taken

The Library (Uncharted Area)

Library Uncharted

Pros:

  • Really quiet
  • Less people know about it; it’s less likely to be taken
  • Interesting markings on the desks from previous students, such as Brent wuz here, and 453-8554 Call Me I’m Horny, and the ever-insightful Anarchy
Cons:
  • It’s probably in a super old part of the building, so… no outlets
  • The homeless man who has been living there for the past 29 years may not take a liking to you
  • Nobody knows it exists, so don’t get lost

On Top of a Building

On a building

Pros:

  • Great view
  • Competition for space is generally low
  • You get to use your parkour skillz
Cons:
  • High wind speeds
  • You may need to utilize those parkour skills again when the cops arrive
  • Dropping your pen becomes a ten-minute ordeal

Right Next to the Coffee Machine at a Convenience Store

Coffee Machine

Pros:

  • Immediate access to caffeine
  • Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
  • I can stay awake for days!
  • Lonely cashier may hit on you
Cons:
  • Going to get a coffee is no longer the ten-minute study break it once was
  • You discover the law of marginal utility so much faster
  • Lonely cashier may hit on you

Upside Down

Upside down

Pros:

  • Blood rushes to head, bathing the brain in think-juice
  • You get to show off those washboard abs without looking like a show-off
  • It’s as close to being Batman as you’ll ever get
Cons:
  • As it turns out, it’s really hard to hold a laptop
  • There may not be abs to show off
  • Children may mistake you for a piñata

Next to a Jet Engine

Next to a jet engine

Pros:

  • Looks badass
  • Feels badass
  • Is badass
Cons:
  • If it turns on, bad things happen

A Private Study Room

Private Study Room

Pros:

  • Super quiet
  • Whiteboards, projectors, and computers are often included
  • You can reserve them
Cons:
  • Everyone can – and will – reserve them near test time
  • People may leave mean messages on the whiteboards

A Giant Open Study Room

Open Study Area

Pros:

  • They’re probably all over the place
  • Lots of tables, chairs, couches…choices
Cons:
  • Nothing especially interesting about them (maybe that’s a good thing though)
  • Can be crowded near test times

On Top of a Sleeping Person

sleeping person

Pros:

  • Soft
  • If you really need help you can wake them up and ask them for answers
  • These study spots are everywhere during mornings that follow parties
Cons:
  • May try to fight you when they wake up
  • Snoring
  • Disturbing sleep-talk

A Computer Lab

computer lab

Pros:

  • Lack of your own software may help keep you on task
  • You can probably get by without even owning a computer
  • Convenient printing
Cons:
  • Usually the computers are slower than molasses going uphill in January… on crutches
  • Stuff is touched by everyone – you may or may not care about this
  • That dude four computers over blasting Ke$ha out of the built-in speakers

A Big, Empty Lecture Hall

empty lecture hall

Pros:

  • Feels pretty cool to have a whole lecture hall to yourself
  • Hook up your iPod to the room’s speakers
  • During breaks, you can watch YouTube videos on the huge projector screen
  • Multiple exits in case of zombie outbreak
Cons:
  • Lecture hall seats suck
  • Not much else

Space

Space

Pros:

  • It’s big. Really big. You just won’t believe how mind bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemists’, but that’s just peanuts to space.
  • Nobody will ever bother you
  • After about 30 seconds, you no longer need to worry about studying
Cons:
  • Chances of getting picked up by a spaceship before dying are 2 to the power of 2,079,460,347 to 1 against
  • That spaceship could be reavers
  • If you ever make it back, people will constantly annoy you with Adams and Whedon jokes
Alright – there are 14 study spots, ripe for the picking! Which will you choose?